I was engaged which recently ended. She had cancer so every week I would send money for medicine. When I went to pick her up to move in we broke up. I gave up $3000 for that relationship and now I know what it’s like to be in incredible debt and financial trouble. I tried to get Ontario Works, but I got rejected, I tried to get Ontario Disability, my forms are still in processing. I had no income but was managing to give up all my savings.
I have a mental illness that has symptoms of extreme empathy and guilt. I felt I had no choice but to give up the money. I was becoming broke and I didn’t care because I am such a destructing empathetic person. I would give my kidney to someone I don’t know. When people tell me I have a choice between others, and myself I always choose the other person. I would literally take a bullet for anyone. Sometimes, it’s good to help other people but not all the time.
I left rehab after 10 days to be the caregiver for my fiancé, I got an apartment where I paid full rent, I paid for meds, got her Netflix and Shomi, I got food and comforts, I organized my whole apartment to help her, I drove her around, and then it ended.
I felt like an absolute idiot. I gave up my entire self to help her not to mention the money. I wasn’t even mad the relationship was over. She needed to focus on herself and I needed to focus on me. But the fact that I was too empathic really hit me. I wasn’t mad at anyone but myself. Why would I put myself through all of that? I gave her my IPad, flowers, toys, games and more. I left the private care of rehabilitation and have been rejected twice trying to get back in. I wanted her to feel comfortable. I was left with a body pillow and the storage room for my closet.
After a major freak out, screaming and crying, self-harm, and one of the single most painful 3 hours of my life I learned something. I learned that both our illnesses were severe and deadly but I was only treating hers because I was constantly told, “I can’t always blame my illness” for my mood swings, sadness, self-harm, and addiction problems. The fact is that was my illness. I wasn’t blaming it. I was suffering deeply but I was ignoring it because I thought hers was more serious. In the end my illness was the one that was too much to handle.
The constant fight of what is more serious – physical or mental health – needs to come to an end. They are equal. The pain I go through is equal to the pain a cancer patient goes through. It’s just the fact that most people can relate to cancer patients, they see their sickness, they can picture how it would feel to get a needle in the spine, but no one can ever picture what it feels like when I dissociate, my body becomes weak, I become silent, I can’t speak properly, and I forget easily. It seems made-up. I’m looking for attention. I can’t blame my illness for everything. I mean I have BPD, right? They just want attention.
BPD sufferers have extreme empathy and give themselves fully to anyone/thing they are involved with. They forget about themselves and when their health deteriorates so do they until they reach their breaking point. Many will die, others will paralyze themselves, some will be severely injured, others will never leave the house again out of fear, and some will be ok. Many will have pain throughout their lives that is unbearable.
If you suffer from BPD, you are an extremely strong, giving, beautiful, person. There is a reason you feel this way, there is a reason you act this way. Don’t let anyone tell you different. You are sick and you need to take care of yourself just as well as a cancer patient. BPD is the deadliest mental illness. All we want is to help but we have to help ourselves first.