Giving Up Vs. Giving In

I have decided to give in to my situation. It’s associated with giving up, and ignoring the facts that I have to deal with mental illness every second of every day. I am not giving up, I am giving in. I am accepting that I have these disorders and I have to fight and I will. I am not going to pretend it’s not there anymore.

 

I’m not going to let anyone tell me that I am the problem that I have to be dealt with. I am the person who listens to gangster rap in the way to yoga, who celebrates Halloween from August-October, who dedicates myself to school and work with my whole self, who carries a bag of dog biscuits for the homeless dogs in Toronto. I am also the person who suffers from anxiety attacks, anger, depression, manipulation, confusion, memory loss and disassociation, fits of rage and tries to cope in anyway possible. I am the person who wants to live just as much as I want to die. My brain is going through 1000 thoughts a second. My friends often make fun of me for changing subjects suddenly. It’s because my brain is constantly aware, I’m hyper aware of my surroundings all the time. However, I will fight to live for the rest of my life.

 

This life is hard. I lose relationships, I haven’t ever been in school full-time, I often can’t work due to hospitalizations, I’m broke, physically I am a mess from what I have done to body, I never know when I am going to break down, and I take 12 pills a day. But this is what I was given, and people are only given what they can handle. I will not let my illness overtake me.

 

I am worth every damn shot in this battle, and I will not fall.

stay strong,

Zee

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